Numero Group: By The Numbers

How I Went From “Loser” to “Winner”
June 29, 2012, 2:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I don’t wanna sound like a big shot, but I’ve literally made tens of dollars out of the music industry. D’ya hear me? TENS. So pay attention to this here screed, cuz lemme tell ya, brothers and sisters, I be knowin’ what I be talkin’ ’bout.

So to all those yahoos that talk about how things are in dire straits (not the band, thank god) for record labels in 2012 a.d., well, they certainly haven’t been to Numero Group’s offices in Chicago. Now, I’ve been to a lot of labels. The sweltering basement of Touch and Go, the Mark Arm-run shipping department at Sub Pop and, yes, even Third Man Records in Nashville. Okay, so granted NG wasn’t started by a millionaire musician playboy (TMR), or part of a post-Nirvana cash grab (S/P), or even worse, sued by the Butthole Surfers (T&G), to walk the cramped hallways at their offices, you’d think you were in the 90’s heyday of record labels.

What immediately struck me upon entering was the never ending piles of stuff. Records. Tapes. Flyers. Books. Coke mirrors. Uncashed distributor checks (sike!). And a phone that rang non-stop…and went straight to voicemail. Yes, it’s 2012, I’m sweating my balls off (literally, almost) at one of their countless iMac terminals and thinking to myself: “Wow, they’re not just selling out, they’re buying in!”

After personally buying hundreds of dollars of records from NG over the years, followed by working with Ken and his nefarious group of jokers at p on the Codeine box set (Best New Reissue, whatever), it boggles the mind to see how they’re living the high life. For instance, there were two pallets of records that showed up today and watching these rugged midwesterners toss boxes to each other just made me think, “Do they offer health insurance?”

Funny story, did you know Ken and Rob have their own personal assistants? I mean, the assistants do all the heavy lifting for them, but hey, in this economy, pay somebody to do what you hate to (like this blog post!).

Did you know Numero Group has “Catapult Fridays”? Yep, every Friday the whole Numero staff goes into the back alley with their boxes of crap CDs and records that arrive in the mail and fling them into neighboring houses. True story.

Another true story: Did you know there’s a Mexican convenience store half a block from Numero’s office that sell nothing (other than water) that isn’t covered in sugar or fat? Again, these guys are livin’ high on the proverbial hog, dawg.

Oh, and lest ye think that Numero Group spends money on unimportant things like air conditioning and/or windows, you’re right!

Okay, so Ken, am I done here? I was told that once I pack 50 Codeine boxes, clean the toilets and write this stupid blog post I could have your assistant drive me to Permanent Records.

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